'Big Brother' cameras in for some surprises in Bangkok

Well, it appears as if the respected "golden oldies" in power are working about as quickly as their age allows.

The legal proceedings against the country's most wanted - a few former politicians - have been moving at a snail's pace, so slow that if they continue on like this the suspects will soon be too old and frail to even stand, let alone walk into a courtroom.

With all due respect though, the speedy arrests of the supposed Bangkok bombers a week ago caught everyone by complete surprise. Despite the arrests however, we have all heard myriad theories concerning the identities of the actual masterminds behind the bombings.

One laughable theory has it that the bombers were working for some dodgy closed-circuit camera firm that will soon take part in the bidding for the mega "Big Bangkok Brother" project. Another theory pins the blame on a company that produces transparent rubbish bins.

A related conspiracy plot suggests that the move to rid the city centre of all bins is just a ploy by some unscrupulous law enforcement officials to make stacks of cash from unsuspecting tourists. When the newly arrived are unable to find a rubbish bin to toss their cigarette butts into, they'll be forced to just flick it onto the sidewalk - a serious violation of the land's litter law. And since the offenders are rich tourists, it will be only right for their fine to be ten times that handed to locals!

So, the government figures that its Big Brother plan to set up surveillance cameras all around Bangkok will save the capital from any more bombs and catch any would-be culprits on camera. In fact, when the cameras are up and running the officials will actually be able to witness the goings-on of a whole variety of nasty elements operating on the streets. Overhead walkways are said to be near the top of the list for cameras. Now, what splendid places those are for criminal gangs. Instead of catching any bozo bombers in action, I think the authorities will instead be witnessing another kind of shady business - and that is the "beggar gangs".

Should you wish to witness these amazing beggars in action, just turn up at a place like Victory Monument just before dawn and behold a bunch of supposedly legless lepers leaping out of the back of a pickup. While some are truly afflicted, others employ magician-like tricks of tucking their legs under themselves or under a carpet to service the illusion. Following behind them are a few so-called mothers carrying imported Khmer babies - the poor kids being forced to suffer a day of hunger as the "mothers", needing to have them look more pitiable by wailing all day, refrain from sticking any milk in their mouths. After a day spent panhandling on the overhead walkways, the illegally imported beggars are on their way back to their boss's garage and, courtesy of his generous spirit, they are all Bt100 better off.

With cameras posted on pedestrian overpasses in the Sukhumvit Road area, officials would also be able to catch drunk foreign tourists red-handed as they, in desperate need to expel the gallon of beer they have just put away, are struck by the instant urge to urinate over the side.

Another group of frauds that seem to use the pedestrian walkways to make their daily living coaxing the hard-earned cash out of unsuspecting pedestrians are those who carry brochures and dodgy identification cards claiming to be working for some make-believe foundation for the underprivileged. After mingling amongst other, actual charity workers, they can later be seen at a nearby open-air restaurant, scoffing a big fancy steamed fish dish while chugging down the whiskey and chatting on the phone to their minor wives.

Besides pedestrian crossings, the city parks are also right up there in terms of priority for surveillance. Now, I don't know about you, but I doubt many bombers are going to be caught in the Sanam Luang area. But who knows, if the elderly government wants to witness the peculiar goings-on at night there they will certainly be struck by another sort of bombshell - a toothless one in this case. Those are of course the women, often around the same age as government officials, who try to sell their personal services to some quite obviously desperate customers.

While on the subject of the "ladies of the night", there are packs of criminals plaguing the areas of Sukhumvit's early sois and Pattaya's beach road in the wee hours - particularly the infamous pick-pocketing big buxom transgenders. Surveillance officials will find it quite easy to spot them - standing six foot four in high-heels, usually in pairs, confronting single male tourists. Approaching him with the likes of "Oh, you so handsome man", the tourist believes that they are only being friendly. Next, however, after thinking that the naughty girls were only pinching his behind, he is horrified to find that his dollar-packed wallet is missing. In the meantime however, the thieves have disappeared down some dark alley.

Now, another platoon of cheats that could soon find themselves on candid camera are the tuk-tuk drivers who can be found lingering outside the capital's tourist attractions. They fall into two camps - those who charge a small fortune for a twenty-minute ride, and others who offer unbelievably cheap rates - Bt10 even! Cheap-Charlie backpackers thinking that they are getting one heck of a bargain are soon fuming at the ears when they learn that they are on their way to some jewellery store knocking off imitation gem stones. Should they refuse to go in, the tuk-tuk guy soon pleads poverty with tales of his milk-less children and admits that he is only doing this for the commission. Getting their sympathy with such a sob story, he then asks them to help him out, explaining that if they pop into an Indian tailor shop for 10 minutes he gets free petrol coupons. What another quack-wack story, and the tourists just lap it up. The drivers don't get petrol vouchers but Bt200 in cash instead.

Hopefully the government will soon have the evidence it needs to clamp down also on those taxi-drivers who illegally park outside of night-spots all night hoping to score a few generous tourists. If you dare argue with one of the guys and insist he turn on the metre, he'll soon be whistling over a pack of his buddies to threaten you with a serious beating. Without a doubt one of the most violent types of this breed just has to be Pattaya's own songthaew drivers. Once I had my own unpleasant experience. Hopping out of the back, I quickly slipped the driver the correct "local fare". Furious that a cheeky foreigner was trying to get away with paying the Thai price, he stormed out of his vehicle, throwing his arms in the air. After trying to explain that I worked and lived in the country, he snatched a big plank of wood from under his seat and threatened to plonk me over the head with it.

And finally, surveillance officials who expect to perform a serious duty in trying to catch wannabe bombers fleeing the scene may instead find themselves caught in fits of laughter when they see the daily scenario of the "stash and dash". At a typical sidewalk in front of some popular market, the capital's unofficial vendors love nothing more than planting their goods on the ground in complete violation of municipal regulations. The boys in brown arriving in droves to seize all of their stock are instantly spotted by the vendors - who next frantically stash up their wares in a couple of big flimsy plastic bags.

And there you have it, the classic everyday Bangkok scene of vendors with stock in arms and their sarongs flapping in the air running for dear life while big-bellied overweight policemen give chase in hot pursuit.

Stephen Cleary is the co-founder of www.thai-blogs.com.

Stephen Cleary

Special to The Nation

SUPHAN BURI

The Nation Thailand
Saturday January 27, 2007