FOCUS / BEING A MAN

The trouble with men : what they may, should and have to, do

By BRITTA SCHMEIS

Dresden, Germany _ Advertisements shown during sport programmes symbolise the wide spectrum of the dilemma facing men today: men should not only drink beer, drive cool cars, be handy when it comes to DIY as well as be attentive fathers, but they should also have the most up-to-date shaving technology, know about anti-wrinkle eye creams and have the perfect tan. Many men feel overwhelmed by these demands because what's missing among all those confusing messages is a unifying ideal.

In short: men are experiencing a crisis and are less able to make decisions when it comes to knowing what to buy or how to behave properly in the company of women.

''It's getting increasingly difficult to say what men should and can be allowed to do,'' says Holger Brandes from the Protestant High School of Social Work in Dresden.

Today, there is a lot of room for interpretation between the images of the kind-hearted softy and the macho man.

''In effect, men are the social-psychological problem zone of the 21st century,'' explains Eike Wenzel, a trend-researcher at the Zukunftsinstitut (Future Institute) based near Frankfurt.

For years men have been becoming softer and more emotional. Reasons for this development include changing demands in society and not least women's altered expectations.

Despite the desire for an understanding partner and a responsible father, women still feel the need for what are perceived as manly characteristics.

''Men should not be 'softies', they should also be self-confident,'' says Prof Brandes.

That explains why many women believe there is still a connection between dominance and sexual attraction, even if that belief is only subconscious.

Men are caught between a rock and a hard place and their biggest problem is to find a way out of this dilemma in their daily lives.

For example, Jan Schaumann, a stylist from Berlin, believes men should put their ''softer side'' on display.

On the first date, and after inviting a woman home, Mr Schaumann says a man should not be afraid to leave the self-tanning lotion and anti-wrinkle cream standing openly in the bathroom.

''Men should deal with things like that in a very self-conscious manner,'' says Mr Schaumann.

Nevertheless, the well-groomed stay-at-home type is not the most sought-after image.

Although men are indeed becoming softer, Ms Wenzel says she has detected a return to the traditional values of the masculine man.

The fictional character James Bond as played by actor Daniel Craig incorporates the image of the man who is not always nice.

Mr Schaumann believes that's the way things should sometimes be but draws the line at allowing behaviour to be dictated on the hoof. He recommends keeping blue jokes exclusively amongst male friends: ''That has something to do with respect,'' says Mr Schaumann.

As in so many other cases the way to go is somewhere in the middle between macho and softy.

That might be a tall order for some men to achieve, but it does at least hold out the prospect of other opportunities; men just have to learn how to use them, according to Eberhard Schaefer, head of the Father Centre in Berlin.

''Men want to take on new roles, but it is made difficult for them in many areas,'' he says.

Along with the working environment he believes women also have a role to play. ''Men also need the support of women in finding a role for themselves.''

Mr Schaefer advises women to stop making fun of men if they attempt to change and they should show more patience.

That includes areas of daily life such as cooking, even when the man appears a little out of place, and only has time at the weekend.

Other situations also offer opportunities to follow a path between elegance and classical male attributes.

''The best way to show a woman which side their bread is buttered on is to open the door for them,'' says Mr Schaumann.

In the age of central locking it's very rare for a man to hold a car door open for a woman, ''But the effect is enormous.'' DPA

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