A time for giving - and buying

Outlook News - Sunday December 23, 2007

POSTSCRIPT

A time for giving - and buying

ROGER CRUTCHLEY

According to unreliable reports from Nakhon Nowhere, the Wise Men of the Thai political parties have been getting into the traditional festive spirit by generously bearing gifts from afar for needy villagers. They might not exactly have gold, frankincense and myrrh, but those purple and red notes come in pretty useful at this time of year.

Yes, it's Jingle Bells time in Thailand, or more accurately, Jinger Ben. It seems that every department store, supermarket, hotel and restaurant, not to mention millions of mobile phones, has its own version of this ghastly song. Admittedly Jinger Ben is not the only culprit. Shop owners seem to think no one is capable of making a purchase without the spiritual stimulation of children singing 12 Days of Christmas out of tune, or Alvin and the Chipmunks assaulting one's ears with Frosty the Snowman. And then there are the salesgirls dressed up as reindeer with long floppy ears. Mind you they do look quite cute.

However, considering all the depressing news and nonsense that's been going on lately, the festive season could be regarded as something of a welcome break. It's definitely going to be the silly season this year, so we might as well make the most of it and be as daft as possible while we can.

Getting into the spirit

In his Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce describes Christmas Day as: "A day set apart and consecrated in gluttony, drunkenness, maudlin sentiment, public dullness and domestic behaviour." In other words, for some of us it's just another day. Fortunately he didn't mention Christmas Eve or we would be in real trouble.

This year, however, things have been a little different. We must thank the authorities' contribution to the Christmas spirit by banning the sale of alcohol for five of the last 10 days, so citizens can prepare for today's Big Event in the right frame of mind. One suspects tourists didn't see it in quite the same light, although their livers probably appreciated it.

This probably means the next 10 days will be pursued with extra vigour, with everyone making up for lost time.

It can be quite a gruelling experience, especially when you find yourself wearing silly paper hats, singing corny Christmas songs and acting in a jovial fashion when there is really not a lot to be jovial about.

Then there's the dreaded office party where you just pray you don't make a fool of yourself, which is not beyond the realms of possibility, especially when the amber liquid starts to flow. Even worse, you might get forced into dreadful party games. I'm not sure whether Crutch has got the stamina for it this year.

Do-it-yourself

A few words of warning about presents for children. Always beware of toys that have written on the box something like "so simple that a child can assemble". Well, your child might be able to assemble it, but you are likely to be the one entrusted with the task and could well spend your entire Christmas day battling with instructions that don't make any sense whatsoever or are conveniently written in Japanese. Then, of course, there's the small print on boxes that informs you that "some assembly is required". That assembly is usually so complicated it would even have a civil engineer scratching his head.

Of course, if through some miracle, you do finally assemble the toy, the child it is intended for usually gets bored with it after five minutes and already wants to know what he's going to have for his birthday.

Sympathy for Santa

It might be an appropriate moment to spare a thought for the assorted Santas in department stores around the world. It is not an enviable job. Every year Santas, invariably struggling actors, get into all sorts of scrapes. Life is definitely not all "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

The most common irritation is from children pulling off Santa's beard or peeing on him. I recall one Santa a few years ago who was suspended after whacking a child after the little brat asked him if he was gay.

Another Santa, after taking a lot of verbal abuse from a particularly loathsome child, finally lost his patience, gave the him a toy gun and muttered "With a bit of luck you'll shoot yourself with it."

Mother was not amused. Nor was his boss, and Santa was summarily defrocked.

At one shop in the US they had to hastily change a lady Santa after one child turned round and shouted: "Hey, Santa's got breasts" which prompted the other children to start crying.

One of the strangest incidents occurred in a New York department store in 1998, when a little boy sat on Santa's lap, took one look at him and exclaimed "It's daddy!"

And he was right. It was his mother's ex-husband who happened to be on the run for non-payment of child support. Santa's peaceful grotto rapidly transformed into a shouting match between him and his ex, and the cops had to be called in because Santa was using rather colourful language in front of lots of bawling children and furious parents demanding their money back.

Anyway, Crutch would like to wish all readers and downtrodden Santas a Merry Christmas, and may all your Jinger Bens be delightfully out of tune.

Contact PostScript by email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com

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